my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
