last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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