I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
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Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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