dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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