Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
there is puke in my bra ... again
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