my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
