Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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