She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
