VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
