they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
