did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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