apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
