I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
