Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
