Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When did angry sex become our thing?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
