upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
