Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
