census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
