what day is it and did you see me today?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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