I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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