I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
