tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
