god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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