I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
its not stalking. its research.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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