Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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