I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
