think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
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I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
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A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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