You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
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She tied me up with her honor cords...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
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Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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