It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
