she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
