I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
