I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
