I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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