My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
