Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
