im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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