Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
