I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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