I hate your face
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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