she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
