i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
