All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
