Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
