If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
