so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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