do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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