My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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