took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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