we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think weed is turning my hair brown
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
