I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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