Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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