I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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