It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
