Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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