Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize