Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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