we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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