ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
