Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
