I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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