And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
